As millions of kids and teens go off to stay with their non-custodial parents for several weeks' visitation this summer, I have some words of advice for those parents: both parents should ideally stay on the same page regarding basic rules and expectations.
That really sounds like stating the obvious, but I know clinically that it can be very difficult, if not almost seemingly impossible, for the "other" parent, the one who feels like he/she barely sees the child, to exercise that kind of control. But, maintaining some simple rules for daily living and existence - well, that's just parenting, regardless of how much or how little you see your children. Sorry, it's just true, no matter how you slice it.
What am I truly talking about? A normal routine. Structure. Limits. Regular bedtimes, regular mealtimes (and healthy food!), the basics about personal hygiene, and firm and consistent expectations for behavior. That's what all kids need, and what arms them with the tools they need to navigate all of the remainder of the year when you may not see them. Otherwise, being the "Disneyland Dad or Mom" is just a disservice to them in the long run!
But, wait, what about the scenario, as for many other children, where the short summer visitation with you, parent B, is the only time they get that routine, structure, and those expectations? That is, when Parent A, the rest of the year, has no such expectations and standards? Well, you do the best you can. You set your own standards, stick with them, and hope it somehow affects the rest of the year at least a little. But, you at least know you're doing your best!
Why write about this topic? Because one way or another this issue is part of the reason I meet many kids, teens, and parents in my office year-round!
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Loss is an experience that you live and grow with. Some losses can be considered in a positive light, like a move to a new home. You may feel the loss of your old house and neighborhood, yet you may be moving to a better neighborhood and bigger home. Some losses are difficult to deal with, as when you break up with a girlfriend or boyfriend. When parents separate and divorce, there is a feeling of great loss.
ReplyDeleteLosses that occur without much warning can often leave the adolescent or teenager without the strategies to cope. Even losses that are anticipated can still leave the adolescent or teenager overwhelmed and unable to cope. Each loss must be faced, worked through, and managed in a healthy way. The way one copes with loss may indicate how one copes with life. http://www.newportpsychotherapy.com/psychology_topics/adolescent_grieving_counseling_therapist.html